Schedule July 1998
|July 7 Tuesday||Masena||Early|
|July 8 Wednesday||Whiteface|
|July 9 Thursday||Whiteface|
|July 9 Thursday||Swiss Acres Inn||Awards|
|July 10 Friday||Lake Placid Resort||Bonus round|
|The tee-off times and groupings|
|July 8||1:32||Terry Mulligan|
|July 9||10:00||Dave Etchells|
This letter has been as long-awaited as Monica Lewinsky's testimony to Kenneth Starr and his investigation into the Whitewater Affair.
But unlike the sordid details soon to be dished out by the pudgy felateuse, what you are about to read here is the whole truth.
Since the departure of our former Chairman, there has been much grumbling, faffling and rumour-mongering about the Summer Solstice. To all you nay-sayers and balbutient babblers, here is what's happening.
First: The 11th annual Summer Solstice will be held at the Whiteface G & C from 8-10 July 1998.
Second: There will be at least 20 Solsticians attending. Provisions are now being made to grant another four citizens the privilege of our presence.
Third: The five-star Swiss Acres Inn has been booked for the affair. Cost this year is $109.00 US for two days of golf, two days accommodation, two breakfasts and one dinner at awards night. You can't afford not to come.
Fourth: You must remit $100.00 US to the Chairman or his delegate (Eddy Champagne), no later than 27 April 1998. We will have a preliminary meeting at Puzzles Bar and Beer Joint on said date when all accounts can be settled. All payments are final. There will be no refunds unless you decide to drop dead on us, at which time the deposit will go towards your funeral.
Like all well-oiled machines, the Summer Solstice is only as good as the idiots who run it. So this year I've assembled a well-lubricated team to assist me in my task.
The good news is that the ex-Chairman, Gord Grant, is back.
Yes, the man who brought you the 10th annual says he wants more abuse.
This year he has agreed to take on the mantle of two committees; one he wanted and one that was foisted upon him.
Gordo will be chairman of both the Solstice Tenure Committee as well as the Paraphernalia and Accoutrement Committee.
As Chairman of the Paraphernalia and Accoutrement Committee, Gordo is taking over from Eddy Champagne, who was fired (more on that later).
Gordo's first job was to get a quote on a good Summer Solstice hat.
Within three hours of his appointment he had procured a supplier, a style and a price. It is a snappy, white fedora with a green band that sports Summer Solstice 98' on the front, as well as our motto Nil Nisi Bonum et Feckli around the sides and back. All this for a mere $20.00 Canadian.
If you want one, please submit your head size and $20.00 to Eddy Champagne, Danny Malanchuk or Gord Grant A.S.A.P. We need a bulk order to ensure our price. (For you Ediots and whiners who want another shirt, Gordo says "FUCK OFF".
By the way, if Big Head decides to buy a hat, Gordo wants to play with him in the first round. "Some ice, Big Head's hat and we can keep 24 cold for the better part of the day."
Our hat manufacturer's slogan is "one size fits all". I fear after Big Head submits his size it will change to "one size fits all, except one".
One final note about Gordo. Please remember to fill out your organ donor cards.
Your heart may continue to beat at the Solstice long after you're gone.
Through no fault of his own, Dave Etchells will be chairman of the Solstice Publicity and Public Affairs Committee. He will also act as steward of our web site as well as the publisher of the 1998 Solsticians Guide to the Solstice.
Etch has acquired this position through whining and fecklessness. Now if he can only learn how to write!
Big Fella, Gord Grant, Eddy Champagne, Andrew Roberston and Mike Hrehoriak will co-chair the Prize Acquisition and Distribution Committee. They will do the legwork to ensure that our booty will be not only as handsome as last year's, but also bigger and better. So I am asking all invitees to get out there and bag a sponsor to kick in a prize or two. Remember, you may win it.
Without getting into too much detail, Eddy Champagne has been fired as the Chairman of the Paraphernalia and Accoutrement Committee. After only three days on the job, the feckless ediot told me we could get Solstice 98' hats for a mere $32.50 Canadian. "I got a bulk deal from a friend of mine", he says.
Of course, I ferreted out the folly of this venture immediately and dropped back ten and punted. Thank God our ex-Chairman stepped in to save Eddy's ass.
Feckless Idiot of the Year Award
Speaking of feckless idiots, nominations are now open for the Solstice Feckless Idiot of the Year Award.
Our plaque is at this moment hanging with distinction behind the bar at the Swiss Acres Inn.
As many of you know, last year's recipient was Big Fella.
You may say "Who can beat him". Or, "If Big Fella isn't the epitome of fecklessness, then who is?"
Never mind all of that. If you look closely about, you may find a feckless idiot but an eyeglance away. They are everywhere.
Please write in 25 words or less, why you think your candidate deserves the award and submit it to the Chairman at your leisure. Nominations close just before the awards night .
Several Solsticians and Solsticians-to-be just returned from Myrtle Beach, where they spent eight days of debauchery and golf. Here are some tidbits gleaned from inside sources, who will remain anonymous.
Etch is a bigger F.I. than we thought.
Eddy will sleep anywhere and with anything.
Big Al's stomach is really a secret compartment where he stores his liquor.
Mulligan is a rantallion.
Blow Me can now only get it up in his sleep.
The W.O.G. had a great nephew go down with the Titanic.
Grant was the only sober man there.
And finally, it seems Big Fella also went south, but to some other destination, to play golf with his "buddies". Before he left he went to yet another golf pro to try and figure out what was wrong with his swing. After telling the pro his life story, and taking a couple of swings, the pro gave him some simple advice on how to improve his game. "Stop coming to see guys like me".
See you all at Puzzles Bar and Beer Joint on 27 April, 19:00 sharp. Bring your head size and some U.S. cash.
Nil Nisi Bonum et Feckli