As required by the Constitution of the Solstice™ here are the minutes of the May 1, 2000 meeting at Puzzles Fine Dining and Beer Joint:
Last will be first: A big thanks to Brother Champagne or Brother Champain or Brother Champagne for his generosity at the meeting. In a fight to keep our business he did himself proud, providing drinks and food to the assembled Solsticians™. The other publicans present, Brother Drew Crosscheck of Little Rock’s Dungeon Pub and Eatery and Brother Randy Ricebowl of Tanglewoods Beer and Botulism, made no comment, but did make notes. Could there be a bidding war in the offing?
As a clarification on the various spellings of Champain: I once spelled it the way they spell the French bubbly and was told by Brother Ed that it was incorrect. He said it should be Champain. Then I get an invitation to his son’s nuptials and it’s spelled Cahampagne.
So who knows?
If, by the way, you didn’t get an invitation to the wedding, don’t worry or feel slighted because only about 100,000 were sent out and you may have become lost in the shuffle, as it were.
Anyway, a collective congratulations from all Solsticians to the happy (one assumes) couple, Jennifer and Mike.
But I digress: The meeting was called to order at precisely seven o’clock or thereabouts by Chairman Grant. Of course, no one paid any attention and continued with their banal conversations and heavy drinking.
The first order of business was to ask for money, a request that was at first roundly ignored. However, a warning by Chairman Grant that no one was going to the 2000 Solstice™ until the cash was paid, brought a rapid change of heart along with a fairly sustained and loud chorus of boos.
Grant quickly had to remind Brother Malanchuk, well into his cups by this time (7:03 p.m.), that there was no provision for weekly payments, a lump sum was required. (This, interestingly, elicited some comment from Brother Mulligan about "I’ll give you a fucking lump" which was ignored by all).
In any event, after much proffering of cheques which Chairman Grant openly scoffed at, cash came in. By the end of the night, 16 were approved for the 2000 Solstice and all had paid their $250.
This means 2000 will be The Sweet 16 and things never looked better for The Summer Solstice™.
Here are the Sweet 16: Tenured Solsticians Grant, Malanchuk, Big Fella, Big Head. Non-tenured Brothers Champain, Champagne Cahampagne (that’s one) Mulligan, WOG, Clearyour throat, Nammie, Etch, Big Al, DUJ, TFN, Ricebowl, Crosscheck, WWW.WOP.
Much discussion followed and your chairman tried to understand, which was at times difficult because some tried to speak while munching on Puzzles Famous Pigeon Wings with Hot Sauce™ or while scarfing down copious amount of beer or, in the case of Big Al, some swill that would mask his alcohol intake from his doctor.
But I think we decided that roomies would be: Malanchuk-Grant; TFN-Eddy; Ricebowl-DUJAY; Nammie-Big Fella; Etch-Crosscheck; Mulligan-WOG; Big Al-Clearyourthroat; Big Head-WWW.WOP.
Any changes you can make among yourselves.
We also decided that on Tuesday of the 2000 Summer Solstice™ we’d play Massena despite the fact it’s cheaper to play Brockville. I was gratified that Solsticians™ chose tradition over pecuniary considerations. Yeah, Solsticians™.
We can’t make tee times at Massena for a while yet, but I’ll make them for about noon. It’s possible that for the first time ever, ALL Solsticians™ will play the Tuesday round.
Foursomes will be made up in the next couple of weeks with my aide de camp, Brother Malanchuk, in charge. However, the Chairman’s Foursome, which plays the first round at Massena, will be Grant, Malanchuk, Big Fella, Eddy.
The Paraphernalia and Accoutrements Committee was confirmed as TFN, Eddy, Clearyourthroat and newcomer Nammie. They have been told what I expect and I think they’ll come through. All I can tell members at this point is that this will be a banner year.
At the meeting Eddy said there will be only two prizes per golfer. This brought identical retorts, incredibly in unison and with exactly the same words, from Chairman Grant, Aide-de-Camp Malanchuk and next year’s chairman Big Fella: "Who the hell are you? You are nothing. Now shut the fuck up."
Chairman Grant instantly fired Brother Eddy from the committee, a move deeply appreciated by Malanchuk and Big Fella and endorsed by TFN, who was Eddy’s co-chairman of the P&AC. Then much whispering took place between roomies TFN and Brother Eddy and TFN announced he’d rehired Brother Eddie. Much speculation ensued that they’d reached some salacious agreement , but your chairman, in the best interests of solidarity, approved the move. May they have a grand time behind the closed doors of their room, is all I can wish on the happy looking couple.
The prizes are being kept secret at this time, but be assured it will be a bonanza. Also there will be a couple of social surprises for Solsticians™ that I’m sure will be delightful. I can say no more.
Chairman Grant reminded all that tee times in Malone on Wednesday and Thursday start at noon and that we tee off at Cedar Glen in Williamsburg, Ont., on Friday at noon. The accommodations, breakfasts, green fees and carts are paid for at Malone. The green fees and carts are looked after at Cedar Glen. You are on your own for green fees at Massena and for accommodations on Tuesday night. Rooms have been reserved for Solsticians™ for Tuesday night at The luxurious five-star motel, dining lounge and bowling emporium, The Crossroads, in Moira. Cost is $31 Cdn or thereabouts per person, double occupancy.
Orders were taken for shirts and some jackets and they will be of the usual high quality. As for transportation, at this point Mulligan, WOG, Big Al and DUJ are going in Big Al’s pimpmobile. The rest of us will figure something out in the near future. Any ideas, please share them with your Chairman.
Yours in Solsticianship
Chairman, Solstice 2000™
NIL NISI BONUM ET FECKLI